Would Shrek Be a Good Pirate?
Could the ogre make the swap from the swamp to the sea?
Would They Be a Good Pirate is a series focused on answering the question its title asks. Each edition, a different pop culture figure will run the gamut to determine if they would be a good pirate (pop cultural pirate, not historical) and what their best possible pirate life would be, based on their look, vibe and cleverness.
Ah, Shrek: the big hulking ogre with a heart of gold, famous for saying things such as “get out of my swamp” and “this is my swamp” and “I want my swamp back.” In the films, Shrek is a reluctant folk hero pitted against the hostile ruling class and the fearful human populace, dealing with land seizures, angry mobs, and — worst of all — awkward dinners with the in-laws. Since gracing our world in the early 2000s, he’s been memed beyond all comprehension, turned into an obfuscated figure lost in a thick fog of YouTube poops and disturbingly sexual fantasies. Yet, when we peel back the multi-layered onion of internet perversions, do we find a soul ready for adventure on the high seas or one who should have remained in the swamp, turning mud pits into hot tubs with his farts? Dear reader, I welcome you back to Would They Be a Good Pirate.
The Look: B-
With his brown shoes, neutral-toned tunic and ill-fitting vest, Shrek is not exactly a flamboyant fashion icon, and certainly not how we envision the swashbuckling pirates all of pop culture should aspire to be. Given his obstinate ways and resistance to assimilation, I can’t see any world in which Shrek would trade in his peasant chic wardrobe for a flashy red jacket and bespoke roguish boots, let alone some sort of feathered captain’s hat.
How does our intrepid ogre overcome this fashion deficit? Surely without a willingness to update the fit with some gaudy clothes he will sink his legend before he even leaves port, right?
Well, dear hypothetical reader, Shrek has an innate advantage here we may have overlooked all too soon. He’s fucking terrifying.
Clocking in at 8 feet tall and 450 pounds (according to the Shrek 2 video game), this absolute behemoth tosses fully armored knights around like a pool noodle and can crash through wooden doors like they’re paper mache. He’s green, has sausage fingers, a mouth wide enough to eat a dog, and ears that aren’t necessarily intimidating, but certainly odd. You could put him in a nun’s habit and Shrek would still strike fear in the hearts of merchants and sailors.
The Vibe: B+
When it comes to panache and sheer grit, Shrek may truly have no peers.
Every brush with royalty and the upper crust of society is just another opportunity for Shrek to spit in the face of the elite. When Lord Farquaad has a tournament to find his royal champion, Shrek barges in, defeats the knights, and whips the crowd onto his side, all without really knowing why he’s there, just following the innate urge to stomp ass. You just can’t coach that.
Past combat prowess and anti-establishment sentiments, Shrek has a talent for storytelling as well, entertaining Donkey with tales of ogres long past, told by the very stars in the heavens. Such oratory grace would make him a welcomed addition for long nights at sea under the stars. It also doesn’t hurt that Mike Myers has such a great Scottish accent.
All that being said, Shrek is lacking the one crucial sin every buccaneer has: greed.
Shrek famously wants nothing more than to have his swamp. He cares little for gold, power or other material pleasures, instead wanting only a home and the safety of his loved ones. Sure, whatever, that’s noble and wholesome, but we’re talking pirates here. What good is all the pillaging for if you don’t even want the booty? Would he just be pillaging booty for booty’s sake? I shudder at the very thought!
The Cleverness: B-
By virtue of being a plucky underdog and a folk anti-hero, Shrek has the knack for getting out of danger. Faced with a fierce feline sword fighter? Just wait for him to have a hairball. Need to break into a castle to save your true love? Just bake a giant gingerbread man capable of siege warfare. Want to get the Fairy Godmother’s workers on your side? Just say you’re with the union.
Still, surviving long as a pirate isn’t all just quick thinking and nimble escapes. Much of it comes down to not getting into trouble in the first place. Shrek seems to have neither the foresight to avoid traps nor the ambition to set up his own. He is a hero constantly reacting to the story, never quite steering it himself and always hesitant to grab the wheel. He isn’t quite what you’d call captain material, especially considering his minimal naval experience.
The Verdict
So, with all that being said, how would this mean green burpin’ machine fare on the high seas? Would Shrek flourish in the seas or wilt so far away from his beloved swamp?
As mentioned before, Shrek is not captain material, and his best shot at success as a pirate will come down to whether he can accept that or not. Can he sail under the command of a classic pirate captain, filled with bravado and flair? Given his inability to even sit through a family dinner or take critiques from even those closest to him, I seriously doubt it. Pair that with his short fuse on road trips (how many are we there yets could he truly endure), and I’m simply not confident our beloved ogre would thrive as a pirate.
Perhaps though, I have fallen into the trap the people of Duloc and Far Far Away fell into as well. Am I thinking too little of the societal acumen of ogres? Have I spent the last several paragraphs pigeon-holing a colorful and complete being, filled with the same complexities you or I have? Or is Shrek just some swamp-dwelling beast with no room for growth?
This is the pitfalls of analyzing a character so entrenched in our society, so inundated with memes, so wrapped up in the gnarls of internet culture. To remove all that is to perhaps remove some of the glamor and magic of what Shrek means to us as a culture. Also, I probably should have watched past Shrek 2 before writing all this. Ah well, nevertheless.